Why Self-Importance Makes Disagreements Personal
Disagreement can feel like a personal attack when pride makes being right more important than understanding another point of view.
We all have opinions about how things should be. And we tend to believe that our opinions are reasonable, even when we haven't given them much thought. When someone disagrees with us, it can feel as though they're questioning our intelligence, judgment, or character. But disagreeing with an idea isn't necessarily the same as attacking the person who holds it.
Being right can become too important
One of the problems with self-importance is that it makes us too concerned with being right. We become more interested in defending our position than understanding the other person's point of view. Sometimes we're not even listening. We're just waiting for an opportunity to explain why the other person is wrong.
Pride changes the disagreement
Think about how often ordinary disagreements turn into arguments. A difference of opinion about politics, money, relationships, or even something as insignificant as where to eat dinner can become unnecessarily unpleasant. The subject itself might not be particularly important. But once our pride gets involved, winning the argument begins to matter more than the issue being discussed.
Humility makes room for understanding
Learning how to handle disagreements requires a certain amount of humility. You have to accept that your understanding is limited. There are things you don't know, facts you've overlooked, and experiences you haven't had. The other person might be wrong, but that doesn't automatically make you right.
Disagreement does not require hostility
This doesn't mean you should avoid disagreements or agree with everyone. There are times when you need to speak up and defend what you believe is right. But you can make your point without being hostile. You can disagree with someone's ideas while still treating them with respect.
Notice what you are defending
Self-awareness is important here. When you notice yourself becoming angry or defensive, ask why. Is the disagreement really about something important? Or are you upset because someone doesn't see things the way you do? Sometimes the problem isn't what the other person said. It's the meaning you've attached to it.
Take the disagreement less personally
We aren't going to agree with everyone, and we shouldn't expect everyone to agree with us. But we can learn to take disagreements less personally. Make your point, listen to theirs, and be willing to change your mind when you discover something you didn't know.
Not every disagreement needs a winner
Not every disagreement needs to be won. And not every difference of opinion needs to become a conflict.