Why most disagreements involve blind spots on both sides
Disagreement is rarely a contest between perfect knowledge and complete ignorance. Both sides may be seeing something—and missing something—the other is not.
We tend to think that when we disagree with someone, one of us must be right and the other must be wrong. Sometimes that is true. But more often, neither person has the complete picture. We see things from our own perspective, based on what we know, what we have experienced, and what we believe to be true.
We see the other person’s blind spots first
One of the biggest problems with disagreements is that we are usually more aware of the flaws in someone else’s thinking than the flaws in our own. We notice what they are overlooking, but rarely stop to consider what we might be missing. And the other person is probably doing the same thing.
Strong beliefs change what we notice
This is especially true when discussing subjects we feel strongly about. Our beliefs influence which facts we pay attention to and which ones we ignore. We tend to look for information that supports what we already believe. This is known as confirmation bias. It is a problem we all have, whether we realize it or not.
Understanding is not the same as agreement
Understanding different perspectives does not mean accepting every opinion as equally valid. Some ideas are better supported by facts than others. But even when you are mostly right, there might be something important you are overlooking. And even when someone is mostly wrong, they might still have a point worth considering.
Ask questions before defending your position
Good communication requires more than knowing how to explain your position. It also requires knowing how to listen. Ask questions. Try to understand why someone sees things differently. You might discover that the disagreement is not quite what you thought it was.
Better conversations reveal more than they settle
We will not always agree with one another. Nor should we expect to. But we can become better at recognizing our own blind spots and understanding those of others.
The objective should not always be to win the argument. Sometimes it is more important to leave the conversation with a better understanding than you had when it began.